


Between Godhood and Insanity

by LizzieRimmsy



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gap Filler, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Violence, Jealousy, Rampancy, Rimmer Goes Crazy and Stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:22:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzieRimmsy/pseuds/LizzieRimmsy
Summary: Even after the brief lull in Rimmer's condition, Kryten realises it hasn't fully diminished. He has Rimmer keep track of his thoughts and emotions in voice recordings. The results are nothing short of disturbing.





	Between Godhood and Insanity

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Observations of Quarantine](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10664958) by [cazflibs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazflibs/pseuds/cazflibs). 



> This is set to go in between Holo-Man and Fragments of the Reclaimer - post Trojan events. Contains some references to series X and XI. It's a gap filler for part one and two of my Red Dwarf series, but you don't **need** to read the series to understand what's going on.
> 
> I think even I was a bit peculiar when I wrote this, so... yeah. Enjoy the madness!

**Day 1:**

_< Recording activated:>_

How the smeg do I do this again?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Ah, it's already on. Erm — Acting Senior Officer, Arnold J. Rimmer. Fellow crew member, Kryten, has me doing this… journal… thing. It's all pointless, really. I mean, what am I going to say here that I haven't been saying for weeks? I'm bored! I'm sick of being in deep space; I'm sick of the nothingness of it! I'm sick of Lister and his godawful, chirpy, gerbil-faced optimism! I'm sick of this Goddammed, useless, pathetic pocket of existence that is A.J. Rimmer! I'm — I'm just so…  _sick_! 

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I wonder if they know just how sick I am? They probably don't care. Why would they? All Lister cares about is finding Kochanski. I hate her! She thought she could replace _me_?!?! She thought wrong!! I'M GLAD SHE'S SMEGGING GONE!!!!

_< MALFUNCTION:>_

_< Attempting full system reboot:>_

_< Rebooted:>_

_< Recording activated:>_

Erm, I'm sorry about that. That was… strange… Maybe I haven't quite bounced back from that resentment drain. Maybe I should... take a nap or something. 

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 2:**

_< Recording activated:>_

Kryten showed me something he conjured up while I was away. While Kochanski was ―

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

The Rimmer Experience, he called it. I thought it was nice. I'll bet the other's thought so, too. They had to have left the VR machine feeling better, right? Maybe they do like me after all.

<Recording terminated:>

<Recording activated:>

I was wrong. He detests me. _They all do!_

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

He pawned me off in some poker game and lost me. Like I was some... object. To be lost. In a poker game. The others didn't seem to care, either! 

Clearly I mean nothing to him. I never did.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

They'll soon see.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Was that that last bit me? Oh, smeg... Kryten?! I think another resentment drain is in order!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 4:**

_< Recording activated:>_

I found out about something just now. Something about my father - _and_ my mother; evidently she's more of a slag than I thought. Turns out I'm _not_ a bred and born military man, I'm just —

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I _had_ to watch that holo-message. I just _smegging_ _had_ _to_ , didn't I? In front of everyone else as well. Their looks were so judgemental. I had to leave. I feel so embarrassed.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I probably shouldn't be doing this now. We _are_ being hunted by rogue simulants. Smegging Hogey… When I find him I'm flushing out the smegging airlock. 

I can hear Lister now. He would say, "Rimmer, man, what's wrong with you? You can't go killin' people like that! It's not right!" Well, he can smeg off! It's his fault we're in this mess! If he didn't go into stasis 3 million years ago, _none of this would have happened!!_

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

I, erm… Who was I talking about? Right! Hogey!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

My head is killing me…

_< Recording terminated:>_

_< Recording activated:>_

I did it. Thanks to my brilliant plan, I defeated those rogue simulants. They'll all say it was a fluke, I know it. Just like saving them from that ship eating microbe was a " _fluke_ ". Bullpats! They aren't even thankful I saved their sorry asses! They would've all died if it weren't for me!! Don't they realise that?!

Maybe I should've left them to die. I _could_ kill them now if I wanted to! That would funny, wouldn't it? The one person they least expected, slaughtering every single one of them! Burning their bodies until all that was left was ash!!!!!

_< WARNING: Power core failing:>_

_< Shutting down:>_

_< Rebooting:>_

_< Recording activated:>_

That was odd… Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. I won, simulants lost. Hologram victorious! And… I guess they were as well. Lister did shoot the molecular destabiliser after all. Still, I should do this saving-the-day thing more often. Maybe then I'll get some respect — and if not, death is just a push of the airlock release button away.

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 7:**

_< Recording activated:>  
_

I don't think the resentment drains are working. I still feel ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I know what you're thinking: Holograms aren't supposed to feel. I do. I can't help but. I keep feeling these hands on the back of my head, fingers running through my hair. I can feel a constant pressure on my forehead. I feel... angry, depressed, resentful... Something isn't ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Someone abandoned me. No, that's ― They're still here, sadly. Right? Sometimes I feel so ignored, it's hard to tell if I'm alone or not.

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

Why does that keep happening? Mental note: Inspect ship with Kryten. Along with this and that whiny sound, there's bound to be other defects.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Lister is a defect... isn't he? He's so limited. Inadequate. He should be like me. If he were dead ― Holograms are capable of so much, aren't they? They can transfer their presence into anything as long as there's a computer and power source available. I read that on a piece of paper in the medi-bay. Why it was there I'll never know, but I've stored it for later. You never know when it might come in handy.

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 10:**

_< Recording activated:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I hurt Lister and The Cat. They're in medical now, recovering. They didn't even see me coming. Or the knife. They just stayed in place. Afterwards they just bled out… So much blood. I can still smell it on me; it's making me nauseous.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Why didn't they run? Don't know that half the fun is in the chase?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I'm not a violent person. I don't know why I did that. I've apologised, what more do they want from me?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I'm sorry.

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 12:  
**

_< Recording activated:>  
_

I keep thinking of the past. I remembered… Waxworld.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I monitored their data pulse.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I could still hear them...... what was left of them.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

What am I? Why am I like this?

Because I didn't have the right knobby parents!!

I don't think I can blame them anymore.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I don't feel too well. I think I'm ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

The sounds, even my own voice is distorted. What's happening to me?!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Lister? Anyone?? Help me.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unexpected error - Shutting down:>_

* * *

**Day 13:**

_< Recording activated:>_

They all keep staring at me. Watching me. I think they're afraid of me. They should be! Don't they know I could just end their lives with the push of a button?! Anytime I want! In fact —

_< WARNING: Airlock doors opened:>_

_< Life support system failure imminent:>_

Rimmer, what are you doin', man?!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Let go of my head!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I could use some help here!!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I've always wondered why people call heads "melons". Maybe it's because they split under pressure. What do you think, Listy?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Kryten!!!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

SHUT UP!!!!!!!

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

_< WARNING: Power core failing:>_

_< MALFU--_

* * *

**Day 395**

_< Recording activated:>_

I'm back. They had me locked up. I'm not sure why. I was only trying to make myself feel better. Is that so wrong? However, I do think they know now that I don't like being tested.

It did give me a chance to reflect on things, though. I slept mostly. I've had the strangest dreams; I was always in danger in one way or another and this woman was always there to save me. I don't know what to make of her. She was —

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

She felt familiar. Safe.  

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

That sensation I had before… I'm kind of enjoying it now. So much control… They're afraid of me. It's almost euphoric. It's a blurred line that lies at the edge of Godhood and Insanity. Guess which side of it I'm on.

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 396**

_< Recording activated:>_

So far I've committed 7 acts of attempted murder, 14 acts of violence, and attempted suicide 4 times. Obviously, those 4 times failed, unfortunately.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I know yesterday I said that I enjoyed it but I don't. I hate it! 

I'm supposed to keep Lister sane. How am I to do that if he's dead? What use am I then? I'll tell you, I'll be no use whatso-smegging-ever! Then _I'll_ be dead. _Dead_ dead!

But if _I_ did it — If it meant his safety —

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I'm so sorry, Listy. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Any of you. I can't —

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

— This is Arnold J. Rimmer… Second Tech… signing off.

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 398**

_< Recording activated:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

They brought me back on-line. God only knows why.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 425  
**

_< Recording activated:>  
_

I was saved today. A woman. She was ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I _know_ I've seen her before. But when? Where?

Also I keep remembering "10 minutes". 10 minutes for what? It can't be for Lister's laundry. As dirty as it is, it takes hours not minutes. 10 minutes until impact?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

We're not about to hit anything.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

And there's a name rattling around in my head as well. A... something. I need to write this down.

_< Recording terminated:>  
_

_< Recording activated:>_

Oh! Additional: I found a cassette tape earlier. Will give it a listen to later.

_< Recording terminated:>_

* * *

**Day 427:  
**

_< Recording activated:>  
_

I wonder if they'd kill to save a life? That's what I did - killed to save their pathetic lives. Did they thank me? Of course not.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Captain Herring lived, anyway. He appointed me as Officer. I used his bio-printer and printed at least 50 Rimmers... give or take... Okay, maybe a thousand - but for all that... It wasn't enough. It'll _never_ _be_ enough. I need to expand further - something beyond a high rank.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

But I'm afraid.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I miss her. I don't even know who " _she_ " is but she's missed. She hasn't been talking to me as much as she used to. I wish she would talk to me. She would know what to do.

Did she abandon me?

No, don't be ridiculous, Arnie. She's in your head, and last I checked, thoughts can't abandon you. Or maybe they can? Maybe _that's_ what forgetting is.

What am I even saying?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

There you are. I thought I lost you.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Still not talking to me, eh? That's fine. You just stand there and be pretty.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I love you…

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unexpected error - Shutting down:>_

* * *

**Day 456:**

_< Recording activated:>_

Is this right? My God, has it been that long?

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Sir, you don't need to do these any more. You've given me more than enough data ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Kryten, leave me the smeg alone! I'll do what I want! ...And get me a damn pad!

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Er, why did I start this? Oh, yes! I'm feeling much better now; no more nasty, violent thoughts, no more sadness, no more envy. I have beaten it, whatever it was. Then again, my mind is focused on this mystery woman business. I _have_ to know who she is. I have to know she's real and not just in my head, like everyone says. I'm not a crazy person. Am I wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots? No, I think not!

I'm afraid we don't have anymore pads, sir.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

What?? All right, fine. I'll just write on something else. Not on my arms or legs. I've learned my lesson from last time. Hmm. Maybe ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

The walls! But I would be destroying JMC property.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Oh well! Needs must when the Devil drives, eh Kryten?

Indeed, sir…

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

Oh, right. Off!

_< Recording terminated:>_

_< Shutting_ _down: >_

* * *

**Day 547:  
**

_< Recording activated:>  
_

This may be the last recording I'll do. We have a stowaway on board and I'm afraid all my time will be devoted to keeping an eye on her.

I'm excited! Finally there's a new, more attractive face on board. I mean, she was a wreck when we found her but she was an attractive wreck. You know, like one of those 21st century reality television show girls.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I wonder if she fancies me? I think she does, she kept giving me that look. Although, she hit me. I didn't like that. My face _still_ hurts. Nevertheless, I fully intend to pursue her, albeit cautiously. Maybe fix her with a mesma-stare.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I was, um, demonstrating the eyes. Anyway! I do still have my suspicions about her. I'll gather as much information on her as I can. I do feel so much more better with her around. It's strange.

_< Recording terminated:>_

_< Recording activated:>_

You know, for someone who's dirty she sure has a clean record. I couldn't find anything! Not even on computer. All I found was a photo of me - _alive_ me - Lister, The Cat, Kryten and... Kochanski.

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

I thought Kryten fixed that.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I'm immensely curious.

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

I think it's her - the woman who sa ―

_< Unable to detect voice - Please speak clearly into the microphone:>_

She does seem to know her way around pretty well. A little _too_ well, actually. Oh, God. What if she wants to take over? What if she isn't real? She could be a elation squid hallucination for all I know! Or a Psiren! There's no way a pretty woman like her would willingly be attracted to me, much less stowaway on this rust bucket of a ship!

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

Whoever or whatever she is, how dare she come along and try to steal _MY SHIP?!_

_< Power fluctuation detected:>_

I'm invoking Rimmer Directive 271! - it doesn't apply to just _metal_ bastards. I'll show her! …It!

_< Recording terminated:>_


End file.
